Pushing the Button: Adventures in Kink and Life

from fetlife submissive women journal prompt 8/28/08:

How do you "self-identify" and why? Bottom, slave, sub? Something totally different? How did you come to the conclusion that the description fits?

(I know a little late but better late than never!!) I never have a simple answer to anything it will seem. Because I have aspects of my personality that fall into all three of these categories. It is part of being such a complex person with so many dynamics and interactions in my life.

I actually believe my self-identity is based on the dynamic I am working around. With regards to my Sir - I am a complete submissive. I have actually jokingly called our dynamic D/s ice cream with M/s sprinkle because sometimes it does push the boundaries into M/s territory. When playing with him I give up most control. We don't have stated limits (past obvious things such as death, permanent marking (although this is currently in negotiation), animals, scat). And I am loathe to ever call yellow or red on him (I have no qualms about calling them on any other playmate!!) I call him Sir at all times during play and actually, pretty much anytime when it would be inappropriate to do so. I identify him not by first name but as Sir.

I give up a lot of control to him too. When playing I need permission to orgasm and I ask permission to leave his side usually. I wear a collar (or a choker necklace depending on the environment). All of this is involved in the D/s aspect since this is all while playing within a scene or when he is around me. However, recently there have been a move to expand his control. We now have structured rules about when I could have sexual activity with a play partner. I recently expressed a desire to do fetish modeling and get some good shots of me. My Sir and I came up with a list of appropriate conduct at photo shoots and what is allowed to be photographed. And additionally we have been exploring orgasm denial/chastity play- involving other partners. The inclusion of other partners is a key aspect of what pushes this into M/s sprinkle land. Since it is putting the D/s dynamic above the pursuit of other dynamics with other people. We do look for more ways to balance our D/s relationship and the relationships I maintain and pursue with other individuals.

Now, I will be the first to say I bottom to a lot of people and activities. I love rope suspension so I will happily bottom to rope tops. During these scenes I take an active role in voicing what type of suspension I mite want, I happily tell someone when the ropes dig into the wrong place, I happily say no impact or certain sensations. I do NOT ask permission to orgasm. I do not call these tops anything past their name. I love needles too but the needle tops I play with get the same amount of freedom. I might say I want a sideways suspension or a pretty needle design. But past that I will not be micro-managing either scene.

So I do feel there is room for more than one label and one level of involvement in the scene and more than one identity. I think this is what is so good and interesting about this scene. No one is ever the same at all times. If you ask someone who sees me in kink environments with my Sir- they might tell you I have slave tendencies. If you ask someone who has only seen me in kink environments where I am not with my Sir- they might tell you I am a bottom and a masochist and a top/sadist. That does not make either one of them wrong. It just means they see different aspects of my dynamics and different parts of my life. This complication and ability to be many things to many people is something I am proud of.