So my primary relationship is not listed on prominent kink website. This has always been upsetting to me. And I have thought quite a bit about why…because in reality- I shouldn’t need pixels on a screen to tell me what my relationship is right?
Now there is a lot of history between my Sir and I. It is not all good history either. I was originally not on his profile as a relationship because he did not want to upset his then girlfriend in case she saw the profile when he forgot to log out. Then he was cheating on her and she snooped so I couldn’t go up. Then things were “okay” and we got the go-ahead. Well then he started dating someone else. We had been together for two years, the two of them approximately four months. I go away on vacation with my family and log into this website and see an announcement that he is dating this girl. Well my world fell apart. Four hours away from home, stuck in an area with crappy cell phone reception and my annoying family who was not known for their support and who did not know about this relationship- so they would have been unhelpful. I called him- in a wicked mood- I wanted BLOOD. I actually almost dropped him right then and there. Well later that night, he listed me as his submissive on the website. Well then things went south again. Things got bad with him and his girlfriend and with me as well. He took all the relationships down. I was upset to see it go. I did not take him down from mine though. He said me leaving it up made his girlfriend mad and she wanted it down. I refused. Well later on they broke up for good. And he and I had a fight a bit later, and I took it down. I did it out of anger and frustration because I couldn’t stand to see me giving him this recognition and being AGAIN, his dirty little secret.
Now it has been months since his relationship ended, almost a year in her words. And still I am not there. And while everything else has been wonderful, this has been bothering me. A lot lately actually. When we were on a break I had told him if he still cared about me he would call me his sub in public. But that I could not call him Sir because of how messed up things were. Well he told me that it wasn’t fair to expect it from him and not give it to him. And that has been prominent in my head a bit lately. I have major issues with being the dirty secret. He has done a lot in vanilla life to show me I’m not the dirty secret. And yet, those pixels still don’t acknowledge me. It is all I can do to keep thoughts of why me? at bay.
In moments of weakness, I convince myself that there is something fundamentally wrong with me. That there is some unique factor of my being that means I don’t get this recognition. He gave it to his girlfriend the second she joined the site. He gave this recognition to someone who had been in his life for approximately 15% of the time I had been (if my late night estimates are right). So what is it about me that make it so hard to say it?
I didn’t push the issue because I wanted to give him time to process his breakup with long-term girlfriend. But she has had relationships up there since. And I know she is still hurt by things however, I am hurt by his prioritizing his feelings for wanting to protect her feelings over my feelings. Its putting emphasis on what was while ignoring what was always there for you. It can be hard to acknowledge what you have always had. What you never lost, even though you may have come close to it and not realized it.
So I have tried to examine why this matters to me- because in all honesty it shouldn’t matter this much to me. Everything is going well for us in every other aspect of our relationship- except for this one thing. These little pixels should not matter to me at all. And yet they just sit there infuriating me in their absence.
I have tried to figure out why they matter to me. And all that I can come up with is that the long struggle to get where we are now isn’t quite complete until this happens. That all the bad stuff from the past isn’t healed and put behind us until I see it up there. He has accused me many times of holding the past against him. And maybe I do at times. But I have learned and grown from the past. And if the past is to truly be put to bed- than maybe its times to do what never could be done in the past. Maybe it is time to say what never could be proudly proclaimed previously. Maybe then the past will really be able to fade more into the past.
