from fetlife submissive women journal prompt 8/28/08:

How do you "self-identify" and why? Bottom, slave, sub? Something totally different? How did you come to the conclusion that the description fits?

(I know a little late but better late than never!!) I never have a simple answer to anything it will seem. Because I have aspects of my personality that fall into all three of these categories. It is part of being such a complex person with so many dynamics and interactions in my life.

I actually believe my self-identity is based on the dynamic I am working around. With regards to my Sir - I am a complete submissive. I have actually jokingly called our dynamic D/s ice cream with M/s sprinkle because sometimes it does push the boundaries into M/s territory. When playing with him I give up most control. We don't have stated limits (past obvious things such as death, permanent marking (although this is currently in negotiation), animals, scat). And I am loathe to ever call yellow or red on him (I have no qualms about calling them on any other playmate!!) I call him Sir at all times during play and actually, pretty much anytime when it would be inappropriate to do so. I identify him not by first name but as Sir.

I give up a lot of control to him too. When playing I need permission to orgasm and I ask permission to leave his side usually. I wear a collar (or a choker necklace depending on the environment). All of this is involved in the D/s aspect since this is all while playing within a scene or when he is around me. However, recently there have been a move to expand his control. We now have structured rules about when I could have sexual activity with a play partner. I recently expressed a desire to do fetish modeling and get some good shots of me. My Sir and I came up with a list of appropriate conduct at photo shoots and what is allowed to be photographed. And additionally we have been exploring orgasm denial/chastity play- involving other partners. The inclusion of other partners is a key aspect of what pushes this into M/s sprinkle land. Since it is putting the D/s dynamic above the pursuit of other dynamics with other people. We do look for more ways to balance our D/s relationship and the relationships I maintain and pursue with other individuals.

Now, I will be the first to say I bottom to a lot of people and activities. I love rope suspension so I will happily bottom to rope tops. During these scenes I take an active role in voicing what type of suspension I mite want, I happily tell someone when the ropes dig into the wrong place, I happily say no impact or certain sensations. I do NOT ask permission to orgasm. I do not call these tops anything past their name. I love needles too but the needle tops I play with get the same amount of freedom. I might say I want a sideways suspension or a pretty needle design. But past that I will not be micro-managing either scene.

So I do feel there is room for more than one label and one level of involvement in the scene and more than one identity. I think this is what is so good and interesting about this scene. No one is ever the same at all times. If you ask someone who sees me in kink environments with my Sir- they might tell you I have slave tendencies. If you ask someone who has only seen me in kink environments where I am not with my Sir- they might tell you I am a bottom and a masochist and a top/sadist. That does not make either one of them wrong. It just means they see different aspects of my dynamics and different parts of my life. This complication and ability to be many things to many people is something I am proud of.

A Look at Risks?

Okay- the first thing I want to clarify is that this is not me blaming anyone for what happened. There was no reason that is explainable for what happened and I do not hold anyone responsible. 

So everyone knows that rope can be risky. There are lots of dangers involved in using it on someone. I have never had a major problem with rope or suspensions. I have gotten uncomfortable, I have had it get painful and needed to come down quickly. But I have never needed to get down NOW!! Well, that was true until Thursday night at Suspension. I was approached by a rigger who wanted to suspend me. I was totally flattered and looked forward to it. We discussed any problems I have with suspensions and positions I like. I also have two areas that need to be avoided. I had had plenty of water that day. I had eaten a good dinner prior to going out. I don't drink alcohol when playing. I was set to fly. Well, my body had a different opinion. Once I got up in the air, things got bad. Rope on my leg was uncomfortable, so we adjusted the rope and the position. Went back up. And things got blurry. I had no trouble breathing but I got blurry vision and felt like I was losing my ability to communicate. For the breath play fanatics- it was similiar to the right before you go under feeling. I was able to say I needed down NOW, but the rigger already seemed to know that. I was down and sitting on the ground with water in my hand before I knew it. 

Now this is the first time I have really had a problem during play. I have been very lucky for playing the way I do to not have had a problem yet. I have to say I am glad this experience happened. It taught me the importance of knowing who you are playing with. And the importance of communicating. Plus it helped me to have another positive experience. As a bottom, I get upset when scenes stop because of me. It leaves me feeling like I am failing in some regards or not living up to expectations. The rigger in this scene was wonderful and did a great job just talking to me and sharing stories of other people who have had similiar reactions. He made me realize there is no shame in needing to end things. Sometimes it works out for the better. I had a VERY close call. Enough to leave me a little shaken up for a few minutes. But when I stopped to think about it- it just showed me I am a lot tougher than I think I am. Many people would stop and want a long break before playing again. I can't wait to fly again. I told a friend about this (who is also an accomplished rigger) he compared me to a Rubbermaid garbage pail. He said it should be a plus for rigger to hear this because it shows I am made of strong stuff and can bounce back from close calls still intact. It shows I have good spirit and strong constitution. After I got passed the "Did you just call me a garbage pail???" I had to laugh and smile at the reference. 

I think this taught me a lot about myself. Plus it gave me a good look at how to handle a situation I could easily encounter as a top and a novice rigger. It also ran home how important it is to be comfortable with the people that you play with and them with you and how important it is to communicate and know your body. As a bottom, it is easy to always want to blame the top when something goes wrong. However, that is not always the case. Sometimes it is more even split of blame. And sometimes- no one is to be blamed. In this scene- it ended it poorly but I do not think it was either person's fault. Lesson learned- Kink throws you curveballs be prepared!!!