New Year Eve and Such

So it finally happened! The Sir decided he wanted to put me up on FetLife as his submissive. It actually happened two days ago but I have been too excited to post about it yet.

I was sitting having dinner with the boyfriend when I checked fet and saw it. It came out of the blue. When I asked him about it he replied "It is a new year and we shouldn't have it hanging over our heads". I was all ecstatic.

This is something I have wanted for a VERY long time (over 3 years to be exact) and yet when it happened I was dumbfounded. I could not believe that it happened so suddenly and without any warning.

I suspect that events of the past few days led up to it. We had both been very worried about New Year Eve party we were heading to. It had the potential to be really horrible and full of drama. There was a lot going on and a few people around who increased the possibility of unpleasantness. But the most that happened was some moments of akwardness. It turned out to be a great evening. It featured a lot of fun. He beat the crap out of me, then had a friend suspend me in an inversion and two friends join him in using me as a punching bag. There was also lots of flogging, fire, needles, punching and cunt busting!

Then on New Year Day a good friend stop by to spend some time with us (me mainly though). She ended up spending the night. Sir was in mood to dish out more pain and I was close to broken from the night before and I went on with cleaning and blog improvements and job search stuff while they had some fun.

Now this was apparently some sort of breakthrough for me. I have strugled with some aspects of poly for a while. I have had trouble trusting my Sir and accepting that he isn't doing stuff to upset me or violating our parameters and agreements. (I had reasons for havign a hard time trusting.) However, things have been really good as of late so I had no reason to not trust him. (Plus if he is in my apartment he can't really lie about what is going on.) Also I have had a lot of conversations with people and some discussion with Sir about things that made me uneasy and it really helped.

Sir always said that he would put it up when he felt ready. And that he felt I "earned it". I never liked that feeling of having to earn the title on a website when I had it in real-life. But since it had always been such a bone of contention with us, I guess it was something to try to hold onto. I also know the last time he put someone up- it caused a LOT of problems. He felt pressured by his then-girlfriend and then-play partner to put the play partner. And then when that happened and I was NOT up there- it almost cost him his relationship with me (I do not think he realized that). And then there was a lot of drama regarding him being listed on my page. I think he was also expecting there to be fallout with his ex-girlfriend over putting me up there. I know he said he was worried over what she would say when it happened. It made me furious that he waited to put it up because of concern over her. Truth be told, I was growing very impatient with Sir prioritizing not hurting the feelings of someone who is just a friend at this point over hurting the feelings of his submissive.

Between the NYE party, getting to kiss Sir at midnight, getting to go home with him, waking up with him the first day of the year (afternoon really), cooking a great meal for him New Year Day dinner, and then having fun with a friend- it was a great way to start the year off.

Collar Shopping

So back in July my Sir gave me a collar. It was designed to be a play collar since it came from Petco. It was leather and awesome! I am also highly allergic to it apparently. So much so that I went to work the next day with a red rash around my neck, that was rather icky. So we decided after some discussion of what it would mean or not mean, that he wanted me to have an everyday collar. In the past few months we have been looking for a collar with a ever-growing frequency and sense of frenzy.

Well, finding the perfect collar for everyday wear is proving to be a *very* difficult proposition. I guess I should not be surprised by this fact. We always hear that “things worth having are worth waiting for” and that thing are not always easy.

With my Sir and I, there is a very, very rocky history there. A lot of bad stuff and bad ju-ju. When I consider this, it is actually very fitting that the collar search has come about in this manner.

The first thing that seems fitting to how our relationship is unique is how long we have been together to get to this point. It has been over three years since we started on this journey. Three years. And this is not a collaring. It is just getting a collar to signify the relationship we have. There is going to be no change in our relationship, no referring to me as owned or property or slave. And no change in how he and I interact. That is fine with me- our relationship has a LOT of power exchange in it already and while more is always welcomed, it works out better for us if we both want the change and it comes about organically. We also slowly add new power issues. Again it seems to make things go smoother.

I know many people who are collared within days or weeks or even months. This in some ways always made me mad or envious. Mad because I didn’t see how things got that serious that quickly and envious because I wanted the same thing for myself. Another item I noticed in this is the age of the people involved. Where there are hasty collarings that end unsuccessfully (as many that I observed have) there are usually younger people involved with it. Now there are some exceptions to this and this is just personal observations. But it made me think a bit. When I started with my Sir, it was over three years ago and I was very immature and young for my age. I have had a great deal of time to learn and grow. I think that has been very good for us as well. I am not as naïve or blindly jumping into things I would have years ago.

I think that the sometimes frustrating search for this collar is rather fitting for us and how things have evolved between us. Having had this revelation is making me much calmer about the search and re-affirmed that things will happen when it is right. And having seen at this point hundreds of options for possible collars, we will be all the happier when we find the one that speaks to us.

Sir Plays Not With Me: Fears Faced & Explored

The questions came from the Fetlife Master/slave group. The answers are mine.

What are your fears in your partner playing with others?

This is a difficult question to answer. At one time, my Sir did play with others and moved to D/s interactions with them as well. This caused some huge problems. We had always said that the D/s was just for us, that outside that there would be no D/s play or relationships for either one of us. Everything else was fine as long as it did not include power exchange. So that created problems for us. And it has been hard to try to relearn to trust him. It has been a rocky road in that process, not always smooth but getting better slowly. It is like with all the bad stuff we are finally building towards a solid foundation.

So yes I do still get jumpy at the thoughts of him playing with other people and I do have some fears regarding him finding someone he thinks is a better fit for him or a better match or a better pain processer or better server. For me, it is easy to admit I have some insecurity about the openness of the life I have chosen. For many, it is their first reaction when they think of things along this line. And on my more logical days I am firmly comfortable with him playing with others, I know that the levels of what we do and the intensity of the level of “fucked-upness” is something that no one engages in casually. I am secure in knowing he won’t just get distracted…that he is firmly committed to me.

However, there are some deeper fears that can be harder to admit to. I worry about not that I will be replaced but that I will be compared in harsh light. I worry that my flaws will seem more realistic and tangible when compared to someone else. I feel like I cannot be as wonderful as partners make me out to be. That once they look closely and critically all these things about me will become obvious.

I also worry that he will find more stuff that I cannot give him. I know that one person cannot always be everything for their partner but I like the list of things I cannot give him to be less rather than more.

I would be more comfortable if this was an issue of orientation. I am heteroflexible so sometimes I just want to be with a female-bodied individual. My Sir cannot provide this for me no matter how badly he might want to since he is male-bodied. If it was a issue of Sir needing to play with men – I would be much more comfortable because I know I could never provide bio-cock for him. However, all these other things – such as more pain, better decorum, etc… I can convince myself that all of these things should be within my power to obtain if I worked harder.

What benefit do YOU get from your partner playing with others?

This is where I am supposed to have this wonderful poly mantra of I believe in compersion and I get happy because he is happy and that makes everything wonderful. However, I cannot stand here and honestly say that is a 100% my feelings. I do get happy at the thought of my partner deriving pleasure and happiness from his encounters with other people. However, I still also get jumpy and can be picky about what he is doing and why he is doing it.

I want to stand here and say that I do derive only pleasure from my Sir’s interactions with others. I am making progress in that every time we go out and he plays with someone else casually. I have been lucky that so far it hasn’t been sustained relationship or steady play partner play.

But when I think about that statement- I know it could always come up someday. I know this is a possibility so he playing with others so far gives me experiences. It gives me the experiences of supporting him, of being okay with what is going on, of being able to be vulnerable and strong at the same time. The vulnerability comes from facing these concerns and unease head-on, it comes from embracing the feelings of uncertainty and concern. The strength comes from mastering those feelings, from being able to say “I am a little concerned about this but I trust you and I trust all the work we have put into our relationship and I know this is not a threat to us”.

And after all, that is a lot of what drew me to submission in the first place. The interplay between strength and vulnerability. The strength that it takes to be that vulnerable and the tapping of those inner reserves of strength in trying and difficult times. The ability to have the strength to accept all that comes with vulnerability. But this is beginning to sound like a post for another day.

Why Do Labels Matter?

So my primary relationship is not listed on prominent kink website. This has always been upsetting to me. And I have thought quite a bit about why…because in reality- I shouldn’t need pixels on a screen to tell me what my relationship is right?

Now there is a lot of history between my Sir and I. It is not all good history either. I was originally not on his profile as a relationship because he did not want to upset his then girlfriend in case she saw the profile when he forgot to log out. Then he was cheating on her and she snooped so I couldn’t go up. Then things were “okay” and we got the go-ahead. Well then he started dating someone else. We had been together for two years, the two of them approximately four months. I go away on vacation with my family and log into this website and see an announcement that he is dating this girl. Well my world fell apart. Four hours away from home, stuck in an area with crappy cell phone reception and my annoying family who was not known for their support and who did not know about this relationship- so they would have been unhelpful. I called him- in a wicked mood- I wanted BLOOD. I actually almost dropped him right then and there. Well later that night, he listed me as his submissive on the website. Well then things went south again. Things got bad with him and his girlfriend and with me as well. He took all the relationships down. I was upset to see it go. I did not take him down from mine though. He said me leaving it up made his girlfriend mad and she wanted it down. I refused. Well later on they broke up for good. And he and I had a fight a bit later, and I took it down. I did it out of anger and frustration because I couldn’t stand to see me giving him this recognition and being AGAIN, his dirty little secret.

Now it has been months since his relationship ended, almost a year in her words. And still I am not there. And while everything else has been wonderful, this has been bothering me. A lot lately actually. When we were on a break I had told him if he still cared about me he would call me his sub in public. But that I could not call him Sir because of how messed up things were. Well he told me that it wasn’t fair to expect it from him and not give it to him. And that has been prominent in my head a bit lately. I have major issues with being the dirty secret. He has done a lot in vanilla life to show me I’m not the dirty secret. And yet, those pixels still don’t acknowledge me. It is all I can do to keep thoughts of why me? at bay.

In moments of weakness, I convince myself that there is something fundamentally wrong with me. That there is some unique factor of my being that means I don’t get this recognition. He gave it to his girlfriend the second she joined the site. He gave this recognition to someone who had been in his life for approximately 15% of the time I had been (if my late night estimates are right). So what is it about me that make it so hard to say it?

I didn’t push the issue because I wanted to give him time to process his breakup with long-term girlfriend. But she has had relationships up there since. And I know she is still hurt by things however, I am hurt by his prioritizing his feelings for wanting to protect her feelings over my feelings. Its putting emphasis on what was while ignoring what was always there for you. It can be hard to acknowledge what you have always had. What you never lost, even though you may have come close to it and not realized it.

So I have tried to examine why this matters to me- because in all honesty it shouldn’t matter this much to me. Everything is going well for us in every other aspect of our relationship- except for this one thing. These little pixels should not matter to me at all. And yet they just sit there infuriating me in their absence.

I have tried to figure out why they matter to me. And all that I can come up with is that the long struggle to get where we are now isn’t quite complete until this happens. That all the bad stuff from the past isn’t healed and put behind us until I see it up there. He has accused me many times of holding the past against him. And maybe I do at times. But I have learned and grown from the past. And if the past is to truly be put to bed- than maybe its times to do what never could be done in the past. Maybe it is time to say what never could be proudly proclaimed previously. Maybe then the past will really be able to fade more into the past.

from fetlife submissive women journal prompt 8/28/08:

How do you "self-identify" and why? Bottom, slave, sub? Something totally different? How did you come to the conclusion that the description fits?

(I know a little late but better late than never!!) I never have a simple answer to anything it will seem. Because I have aspects of my personality that fall into all three of these categories. It is part of being such a complex person with so many dynamics and interactions in my life.

I actually believe my self-identity is based on the dynamic I am working around. With regards to my Sir - I am a complete submissive. I have actually jokingly called our dynamic D/s ice cream with M/s sprinkle because sometimes it does push the boundaries into M/s territory. When playing with him I give up most control. We don't have stated limits (past obvious things such as death, permanent marking (although this is currently in negotiation), animals, scat). And I am loathe to ever call yellow or red on him (I have no qualms about calling them on any other playmate!!) I call him Sir at all times during play and actually, pretty much anytime when it would be inappropriate to do so. I identify him not by first name but as Sir.

I give up a lot of control to him too. When playing I need permission to orgasm and I ask permission to leave his side usually. I wear a collar (or a choker necklace depending on the environment). All of this is involved in the D/s aspect since this is all while playing within a scene or when he is around me. However, recently there have been a move to expand his control. We now have structured rules about when I could have sexual activity with a play partner. I recently expressed a desire to do fetish modeling and get some good shots of me. My Sir and I came up with a list of appropriate conduct at photo shoots and what is allowed to be photographed. And additionally we have been exploring orgasm denial/chastity play- involving other partners. The inclusion of other partners is a key aspect of what pushes this into M/s sprinkle land. Since it is putting the D/s dynamic above the pursuit of other dynamics with other people. We do look for more ways to balance our D/s relationship and the relationships I maintain and pursue with other individuals.

Now, I will be the first to say I bottom to a lot of people and activities. I love rope suspension so I will happily bottom to rope tops. During these scenes I take an active role in voicing what type of suspension I mite want, I happily tell someone when the ropes dig into the wrong place, I happily say no impact or certain sensations. I do NOT ask permission to orgasm. I do not call these tops anything past their name. I love needles too but the needle tops I play with get the same amount of freedom. I might say I want a sideways suspension or a pretty needle design. But past that I will not be micro-managing either scene.

So I do feel there is room for more than one label and one level of involvement in the scene and more than one identity. I think this is what is so good and interesting about this scene. No one is ever the same at all times. If you ask someone who sees me in kink environments with my Sir- they might tell you I have slave tendencies. If you ask someone who has only seen me in kink environments where I am not with my Sir- they might tell you I am a bottom and a masochist and a top/sadist. That does not make either one of them wrong. It just means they see different aspects of my dynamics and different parts of my life. This complication and ability to be many things to many people is something I am proud of.

A Look at Risks?

Okay- the first thing I want to clarify is that this is not me blaming anyone for what happened. There was no reason that is explainable for what happened and I do not hold anyone responsible. 

So everyone knows that rope can be risky. There are lots of dangers involved in using it on someone. I have never had a major problem with rope or suspensions. I have gotten uncomfortable, I have had it get painful and needed to come down quickly. But I have never needed to get down NOW!! Well, that was true until Thursday night at Suspension. I was approached by a rigger who wanted to suspend me. I was totally flattered and looked forward to it. We discussed any problems I have with suspensions and positions I like. I also have two areas that need to be avoided. I had had plenty of water that day. I had eaten a good dinner prior to going out. I don't drink alcohol when playing. I was set to fly. Well, my body had a different opinion. Once I got up in the air, things got bad. Rope on my leg was uncomfortable, so we adjusted the rope and the position. Went back up. And things got blurry. I had no trouble breathing but I got blurry vision and felt like I was losing my ability to communicate. For the breath play fanatics- it was similiar to the right before you go under feeling. I was able to say I needed down NOW, but the rigger already seemed to know that. I was down and sitting on the ground with water in my hand before I knew it. 

Now this is the first time I have really had a problem during play. I have been very lucky for playing the way I do to not have had a problem yet. I have to say I am glad this experience happened. It taught me the importance of knowing who you are playing with. And the importance of communicating. Plus it helped me to have another positive experience. As a bottom, I get upset when scenes stop because of me. It leaves me feeling like I am failing in some regards or not living up to expectations. The rigger in this scene was wonderful and did a great job just talking to me and sharing stories of other people who have had similiar reactions. He made me realize there is no shame in needing to end things. Sometimes it works out for the better. I had a VERY close call. Enough to leave me a little shaken up for a few minutes. But when I stopped to think about it- it just showed me I am a lot tougher than I think I am. Many people would stop and want a long break before playing again. I can't wait to fly again. I told a friend about this (who is also an accomplished rigger) he compared me to a Rubbermaid garbage pail. He said it should be a plus for rigger to hear this because it shows I am made of strong stuff and can bounce back from close calls still intact. It shows I have good spirit and strong constitution. After I got passed the "Did you just call me a garbage pail???" I had to laugh and smile at the reference. 

I think this taught me a lot about myself. Plus it gave me a good look at how to handle a situation I could easily encounter as a top and a novice rigger. It also ran home how important it is to be comfortable with the people that you play with and them with you and how important it is to communicate and know your body. As a bottom, it is easy to always want to blame the top when something goes wrong. However, that is not always the case. Sometimes it is more even split of blame. And sometimes- no one is to be blamed. In this scene- it ended it poorly but I do not think it was either person's fault. Lesson learned- Kink throws you curveballs be prepared!!!